Migraine!

I have been wondering where my current brain-crushing migraine has “come from,” assuming it has some origin in the circumstances of my life. Maybe it doesn’t; maybe that’s not how it works, but I am never one to refrain from pondering anyway.

Sure, there are the same old problems, which I believe I have recounted in enough detail in other posts. (If you’re interested in hearing me complain, though, I am always happy to oblige!)  What’s new is that a change in my life that I have anticipated for a year has finally come to pass. Since my midlife crisis started two years ago, I have searched for a variety of ways to address that pain. One after the other of my ideas has not worked, and most have made things worse, but along the way I developed the theory that I needed to go back to work on a very part-time basis in order to alleviate the feelings of lack of fulfillment and accomplishment that can plague stay-at-home moms. The obvious go-to job was teaching in a community college setting again, since the hours away from home are few and I can do the additional work during the children’s sleep hours (and my own.) After a long delay and daily anticipation, I am now officially doing the job! I have reached the point I have been building up in my mind for a year as the answer to a host of problems. My husband often points out how I build things up a little too much, but I think I have outdone myself in this case, and the earth-shattering changes are nowhere to be seen. So far, things feel the same, only more stressful. Although it is early in the semester, I have the sinking feeling that I have merely traded some forms of stress for others. Here are the possible reasons, therefore, for my migraine during this first week of school:

1. I am sleeping less than ever so as to be prepared.

2. I still have four children who have not become any less needy.

3. I have to feel enormous shame and guilt every day when my babysitter sees the state of my house, a symbol of my daily failures.

4. I have to do all the same work as I always did around here, plus new work now that always has an urgent deadline.

5. I am answerable to even more people.

Lest you start weeping at the hopelessness of it all, I am going to point out some very good things that have already happened, that will come even more to the fore as time goes on, I’ll wager:

1. I am working with other professionals, none of whom have talked about poop so far.

2. I am thinking new kinds of thoughts and giving my brain a new kind of workout.

3. I am going to be helping people who really need my help.

4. I am avoiding the horrible after-school period here twice a week.

5. I get to drive alone in the car with music turned way up for an hour twice a week.

Look! There are five reasons on both sides of the issue! Things are looking up already. I’m thinking this migraine is going to clear up in no time.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Perhaps August Wilhelm von Schlegel (but absolutely, positively NOT Carlos Millan)
    Feb 02, 2012 @ 20:29:10

    Are your kids old enough- or starting to get old enough to help you with things around the house? Are the girls mature enough to watch over Tim? Can they be trusted with chores- or at least a first pass at a chore (watering plants, dusting, putting stuff away, etc.)?

    Reply

    • mamamissy
      Feb 04, 2012 @ 00:20:35

      The kids do a fair amount to help, August Wilhelm, and we do add in training consistently. I’m sure there is always room for improvement, but some things are just chaotic by their very nature, I fear. That’s my take, anyway. 🙂

      Reply

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