New Year

I have a good feeling about 2011. I hesitate to say that, because the last time I said that in the ’90s, I started off the new year with a break-up and a car whose ignition had been removed in the night. Finally, 14 years later, I feel OK about trying to say it again. And this January 1st went a lot better than that one. I got a long break which I used to feed my two greatest hungers — for food and books — and I signed up for the gym around the corner. Last year I started a workout program with the new year, and stuck to it for three months until my hernia re-opened and I had to undergo surgery again. So I am not worried about not sticking to it, but am a little more worried that I will be stopped against my will. But if all goes well, I hope to have lost the majority of my “baby weight” by this time next year and to have much more strength and energy. I can but try.

I spent a lot of 2010 with my heart hurting. It started early in the year, in anticipation of turning 40, and persisted through much of December. Nothing seemed to go right in my emotional world especially this fall, but I can see that I am at the end of it now. I now feel hopeful about the next 40 years of my life, and am starting to make cool plans for my next career, which will launch in the next 3 to 5 years and take me into my 70s. I am making a point of noticing how young I still am, with no wrinkles and plenty of flexibility. I am seeing the upside of things more naturally now, but it took a lot of forced optimism for a long while there. Everywhere I turn now, there seems to be something to be grateful for, so it really isn’t that hard to be positive now that my brain isn’t quite so broken. I hope turning 50 goes a lot more smoothly. At least then the issue won’t be “I’m no longer young,” because that’s what this one was all about, and it turned out that I had a lot of myself invested in the idea that I would always be young. Silly me.

2011 is just a weird number, but I’m putting a lot of faith in it.

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